We all know those times when you look at your child having a full-blown meltdown and feel completely lost. Understanding empathy may just be the key that unlocks a calmer and more connected parenting journey.
You might be surprised to learn that empathy, that elusive quality that helps us truly connect with others, has roots that trace back to 19th-century aesthetics. Coined from the German word “Einfühlung,” it originally described an emotional connection with a work of art, a feeling from within. Psychologist Theodore Lipps expanded on this, seeing it as stepping into someone else’s experience.
Empathy itself is a complex emotion, but for highly sensitive children, that emotion can be ten times as strong. Understanding that having greater levels of empathy is in their nature is crucial for helping them navigate life. These high levels of empathy may lead them to have big reactions to things you might not initially realize. They feel everything so intensely that you may need to shift your approach to help guide them through their feelings. This can be difficult at first, but this guide will give you an in-depth look at empathy in highly sensitive children as well as give you different approaches to try.
Empathy isn’t simply feeling sorry for someone. It’s the ability to actually sense what someone else is feeling and understand their perspective, as if you were standing in their shoes. Instead of merely imagining their situation, you actually feel those emotions, bridging the gap between you and them. The Greater Good Science Center, which studies the science of well-being, says it’s best – empathy is like following the Golden Rule: “Treat others as you’d like to be treated”.
There are two key ways we show empathy as human beings. The first is through affective empathy where you share the same emotion as someone else. For example, your partner’s stress becomes your own worry.
The second is cognitive empathy, which involves recognizing what someone is going through and taking in their perspective. It’s like that knowing nod you give your teen when they rant about their day, even if you don’t fully get all the drama.
Empathy can manifest in different ways, such as:
Now, you might be thinking, “My highly sensitive child seems to feel everything. Isn’t that empathy?” While highly sensitive children do experience a depth of emotion that can make them incredibly compassionate, empathy goes a step further. It’s about connecting with the emotional experience of another person, not just feeling your own feelings strongly.
As a result, however, HSC may still take on any feelings around them as their own. This can be stressful for children to navigate on their own, and they may not even realize it’s happening. All these children are able to communicate is that they feel a lot. This means that they likely have impeccable perspective taking skills, and are able to consider many different sides. While this can definitely be a strength, it can also become extremely draining. Understanding your child and helping them learn how to balance these feelings is crucial for their growth as a HSC.
Highly sensitive children often display a remarkable capacity for empathy, picking up on the emotions of others in ways that can be surprising for their age.
For instance, a sensitive child might comfort a friend who seems sad, even if that friend hasn’t said a word about their feelings. In another example, such children may notice when a parent is stressed and offer a hug or a kind word, intuitively sensing the need for reassurance. In group settings, a highly sensitive child might be the first to step in and mediate when other kids are arguing, feeling deeply connected to the emotions in the room.
Their heightened awareness of others’ feelings allows them to respond with genuine compassion, often beyond their years.
Understanding empathy can benefit you as a parent in many ways. From a practical perspective, moms with who lack empathy skills tend to struggle when creating stronger bonds with their kids. The higher your empathy level, the stronger your bond can be. That’s because kids, especially those labeled as “highly sensitive”, crave emotional understanding.
Empathetic parents better understand their kids’ emotional landscape, their fears, frustrations, and can meet their needs on a deeper level. Think of it as tuning into your kiddo’s internal radio station.
Empathy isn’t just great for your relationship with your kiddos. It also has benefits for their social life. It’s the glue that helps them build and sustain positive relationships with others. Studies have shown that those with high empathy levels tend to build healthy relationships and stronger social connections. According to Good Therapy, an online mental health resource, they create more fulfilling lives for themselves in the process.
Although some folks seem born more empathetic, there’s some great news. We now know empathy can be strengthened. It’s kind of like emotional intelligence – we can train our brains to become more emotionally aware, which translates into increased understanding.
As any parent can tell you, consistent effort, practice, and positive reinforcement can help build even the most difficult habits – even bedtime routines. So why not empathy?
Studies show that physicians, often prone to burnout and empathy fatigue, benefited greatly from empathy training. Programs increased their compassion for their patients. Even more interestingly, their patients were more satisfied with the care they received and even showed better health outcomes.
Doctors who already had high empathy saw patients with better health overall proving empathy plays a large part in the care that a patient receives. All from actively improving their ability to feel empathy for what their patients were feeling.
If you’re wondering how to put this magical power to use, here’s a few empathy builders for the daily mom-life trenches:
So, what does real-life empathy in action look like? It isn’t always some grand heroic act or sacrificing yourself for the greater good. It often lies in the smallest everyday moments:
| Scenario | Empathetic Approach | Benefit |
|---|---|---|
| Toddler’s toy breaks, leading to a meltdown. | Get on their level, acknowledge their sadness (“You’re really sad your car broke, that’s frustrating.), offer a hug or snuggle, and suggest a fix (“Should we try fixing it with tape or get out a new car?”). | Child feels validated and understood and learns that it’s okay to express emotions and seek help. |
| Teenager upset that their friend said something mean. | Listen attentively to the story without dismissing their emotions (“Wow, that sounds like it really hurt”). Then talk through the situation without offering unsolicited advice. (“What do you think you’re going to do?”) | Teen learns to process difficult emotions, identify patterns in relationships, and feel empowered to find solutions. |
There are several ways you can show empathy. Some good methods include:
You could practice mindful breathing with your child or play games that foster understanding, such as role-playing various emotions and situations. This can help you understand people on a deeper level. By practicing these techniques, you can learn to feel empathy in a way that is both authentic and helpful.
It can be tough to pinpoint a specific term, as a lack of empathy is complex and has several underlying causes. They might be described as unsympathetic, indifferent, cold, detached, or in more severe cases, callous.
A lack of empathy isn’t necessarily an indication of something terrible. Situational factors like stress or fatigue can lower empathy levels temporarily. Sometimes even parental burnout can deplete empathy reserves. However, a consistent lack of empathy can be related to specific personality disorders, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder.
Some people have a hard time with empathy due to neurodevelopmental differences like those on the autism spectrum where individuals may process emotions differently, leading to a perceived lack of empathy. This can make it difficult for them to understand people’s emotions.
Think of empathy as having two sides to it. There’s the “feeling with” part, known as affective empathy, and the “understanding” part known as cognitive empathy. To truly empathize with another person, you need both to understand and share their feelings and perspective, building a bridge of genuine connection and understanding.
Empathy, often thought of as a magical power, isn’t about becoming a mind reader or magically dissolving tantrums. Understanding empathy isn’t about absorbing someone’s negative feelings like an emotional sponge but rather seeing and connecting on a human level.
For moms raising highly sensitive kiddos, developing this understanding unlocks not just better relationships, but more calm in those wild parenting storms. It’s one of the building blocks of healthy relationships and prosocial behavior.
Understanding Empathy: A Guide For Moms Raising Highly Sensitive Kids
Jill Gilbert
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