Temper tantrums are a common part of childhood for all age children, particularly in toddlers. In order to determine how tantrums affect children’s emotional development, we first have to explore the differences between temper tantrums and meltdowns.
Temper tantrum and meltdown are often used interchangeably, but they actually describe different things. A temper tantrum happens when a child feels strong emotions. Tantrum behavior encompasses feeling angry or upset and exhibiting outward expressions of that emotion to get what they want. This can look like yelling, kicking, screaming, hitting, or throwing things.
Meltdowns differ because they involve a loss of emotional and behavioral control which comes from sensory overload. Meltdowns do not subside once a child gets what they want. They often come with additional symptoms like rocking, self-injurious behavior, or withdrawing completely.
Both temper tantrums and meltdowns point back to the larger question of “How do tantrums affect children’s emotional development?”. This question causes worry for lots of parents of highly sensitive children.
Temper tantrums happen when a young child gets overwhelmed because they don’t yet have the impulse control, problem solving skills, or communication skills to navigate feelings in a healthy way.
Toddler tantrums typically start between ages 1 and 3. Research published in Temper Tantrums explains that these tantrums commonly occur around once a day for about 3 minutes per tantrum.
We can’t talk about how tantrums affect children’s emotional development without looking to emotional regulation. It’s the ability to understand, express, and manage emotions. Young children are still developing the skills needed for this and tantrums are proof positive.
The ability to use language to process feelings also plays a big role. Some research conducted in 2021 found that even at ages 4 to 11, lots of kids need more practice naming and verbally expressing emotions. So, developing this skills is important for very young children and pre-teens alike.
Imagine this, your toddler sees a tempting toy at the store. When you tell them “No”, their world erupts. To them, the toy is a “need” even though you view it as a “want.”
Inside their brains, the amygdala (the emotion center) is firing on all cylinders, releasing stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Simultaneously the prefrontal cortex – which controls decision-making, reasoning, and impulse control is underdeveloped and ill-equipped to manage these big feelings.
Basically, their emotions are throwing a party and the part of their brain that would provide supervision is still learning the job.
Even though toddler tantrums are totally normal, ignoring they can affect emotional development is a missed opportunity. This period lays the groundwork for future emotional regulation and interpersonal skills. A kid that continues to rely primarily on tantrums to deal with things is not building those healthier skills and could see long-term effects.
Yup. That may feel counterintuitive, but tantrums play an important part. This may seem paradoxical given the section on long-term effects, but the truth lies in how parents handle these inevitable emotional outbursts.
Think about it, babies have a few core survival mechanisms for their first several months – cry, sleep, and poop. Crying gets them fed. They poop because it’s needed. Sleeping provides vital recovery. But how are they supposed to know that once they get older there are “better” or more socially acceptable ways to get their needs met?
They are now navigating an expanding world with new challenges and unfamiliar social rules. Tantrums offer a unique learning opportunity for children.
How? This is where we come in as parents. During those big emotional outbursts, a toddler is trying to tell us they need our help to understand, manage, and communicate those difficult feelings.
Imagine this. Your kid melts down because you gave them the red cup instead of the blue cup. Frustrating. I get it. Your inner critic may shout something along the lines of “It’s JUST a cup.”.
But, look at it this way, would you freak out if you desperately needed something and didn’t have the vocabulary, emotional capacity, or awareness of acceptable communication tools to deal with the situation? To your toddler, getting that blue cup is everything.
A good time-out, correctly executed, is a helpful tool to handle tantrums. Time outs allow kids to settle and re-center themselves while reminding them that behaviors have natural consequences.
Although most experts agree time-outs are effective for addressing unwanted behaviors, you might not want to use it during a meltdown or sensory overload. Doing so deprives a child of a powerful teaching moment and a chance for you to provide the calm co-regulation they need to reset.
If they hit, bite, kick, or break something, giving a time-out is needed because it sets a boundary and removes them from the triggering environment. According to The American Academy of Pediatrics, the ideal length is one minute for each year of a child’s age.
For a two-year-old, that means two minutes of quiet reflection in their room. It may feel more appropriate to try and “talk it out”, or provide explanations, but sometimes explaining that hitting hurts others isn’t useful because their brain can’t fully process these complex topics.
Although time-outs can feel frustrating, the key takeaway here is to think of it as a powerful way to guide and set consistent limits as they learn emotional regulation, impulse control, and communication. It takes consistent effort, practice, and gentle boundary-setting.
Although the peak age for tantrums is around age 4, don’t assume older children and even teens, won’t have moments where they feel the urge to throw a fit, scream or slam their door.
Their emotional capacity is increasing alongside their cognitive function, and tantrums can become more deliberate. If those habits of communicating wants or dealing with conflict haven’t been replaced by healthier alternatives – meltdowns will persist. At this stage, it can evolve into manipulation or control tactics. They may now recognize just how much something triggers you, and this time they aren’t taking no for an answer.
Research published in the journal Research in Developmental Disabilities determined that inconsistent discipline greatly impacted those early tantrums and can predict long-term behavioral issues. Some people call those teen-era displays of screaming, shouting, crying, or rage quitting, a “tantrum”. However, it often indicates they are struggling with frustration, a yearning for independence or authority, and may need guidance learning coping tools for managing those bigger feelings.
They need us more than ever during these formative years. Guide them to process feelings, solve problems, and assert themselves respectfully. Your kids need to hear this.
A temper tantrum is an intense, often explosive display of emotions such as anger, frustration, or sadness. Tantrums occur because young children lack the verbal skills and impulse control to deal with situations that do not go their way. They’re part of normal development and show that a child needs help learning how to manage those emotions.
When they yell, cry, kick, or throw themselves to the floor they’re trying to tell you something big is happening that feels overwhelming to their young, developing nervous system.
Inside their developing brains, the emotional centers are lit up. Tantrums happen when the amygdala – the alarm center for feelings and reactions, hijacks the prefrontal cortex, the rational, thoughtful decision-maker that provides emotional regulation.
Remember those feelings of road rage we get when another driver cuts us off? During toddler years a brain can’t yet regulate that surge of emotions because their reasoning powers haven’t yet come fully online.
Kids learn and their needs evolve. Their capacity for rational thinking increases although that amygdala may still have lots of temper tantrums left. Consistent meltdowns or aggression after age 5, as experts say, is when parents should consider intervention.
Those tantrum-response patterns might lead to social problems because your kid now may believe it’s the “best” or most effective way to deal with frustrating situations. Other challenges include poor self-esteem, trouble maintaining relationships, difficulty regulating emotion and a lack of those needed communication skills.
While tantrums are totally normal, and beneficial, for kids ages 1 to 3 – those repeated patterns could point to bigger problems that a specialist can help you understand and address. Temper tantrums can cause difficulties with forming long term social, interpersonal, and emotion regulation habits that carry through to their teenage years if unaddressed.
How Do Tantrums Affect Children’s Emotional Development?
Jill Gilbert
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