As parents, we all want the best for our children. We read books, attend workshops, and spend countless hours researching to help us navigate this crazy parenting journey. It can be frustrating when things we try don’t seem to “work”. That’s often how mothers feel when raising highly sensitive children. There is another layer when our highly sensitive children also have a highly reactive temperament. Research suggests that differences in sensitivity affect how our kids respond to different parenting approaches. If you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells to avoid triggering your easily overwhelmed little one, it’s probably time to understand highly reactive temperament in highly sensitive children.
So what exactly does “highly reactive temperament” mean? A highly reactive temperament refers to a personality trait characterized by intense, immediate responses to external stimuli or internal emotions. Individuals with a highly reactive temperament are more sensitive to changes in their environment, often reacting quickly and strongly to new situations, people, or sensory experiences. This heightened sensitivity can manifest in both emotional and physical reactions, such as increased heart rate, heightened alertness, or strong emotional responses like anxiety, excitement, or frustration.
People with this temperament are often more cautious or wary in unfamiliar situations, and they may take longer to calm down after being upset. While this can make them more vulnerable to stress, it can also mean they are highly perceptive, empathetic, and responsive to others’ emotions.
Highly reactive temperament falls under one of nine categories of temperament, specifically “intensity of reaction.” This essentially describes how strongly a person reacts to stimuli, both positive and negative. Some people tend to respond calmly to whatever comes their way. They might crack a smile upon hearing good news, but won’t jump up and down with excitement. They might shrug their shoulders after spilling a glass of milk.
Kids (and adults) with highly reactive temperaments, however, have big reactions to stimuli. Think huge, over-the-top excitement when things go their way, like full-on body shaking when it’s their birthday or when they meet their favorite Disney character. These same kiddos fall apart when even seemingly insignificant “bad” things happen. These strong emotional reactions are a natural part of a highly reactive temperament.
Some say the terms “highly sensitive” and “highly reactive” can be used interchangeably. But you can be a highly sensitive person without necessarily having a highly reactive temperament, although highly sensitive children tend to fall in the more reactive categories. Around 20% of kids have highly sensitive temperaments. They’re those kids who are deeply affected by stimuli. Imagine being constantly bombarded by overwhelming sensations, sights, smells, and noises.
Because highly sensitive children process all of that more intensely, they get overwhelmed more quickly and this can often manifest in those big emotional displays. Some refer to these children as “orchid children”. Take those high sensitivity and a highly reactive temperament together and you get a child who experiences the world more intensely—the highs are higher, but the lows hit harder.
A spilled cup of milk isn’t just an annoyance to be cleaned up. For a highly sensitive child with a highly reactive temperament, it can trigger an outsized emotional response that might appear dramatic. It’s important to remember that a child’s strong reactions are all connected to their sensitive sensory processing and their innate temperament.
Let’s say your little one trips on the rug. It was a minor stumble, nothing even worth a band-aid. But instead of quickly bouncing back, they erupt in loud sobs that last for what seems like forever. They’re inconsolable even with your reassurances. Another common example happens when getting dressed. You suggest wearing the blue shirt because the red one is in the laundry.
This throws them into a tailspin, insisting on the red one even if that means delaying getting out the door. Remember when you’re making dinner plans and asked if chicken sounded good, but now your child bursts into tears upon seeing the chicken on their plate because it looks “yucky?” These are classic examples of intensity of reaction, made all the more challenging with highly sensitive kids. This can be frustrating for parents who may struggle with how to respond in these positive situations.
A new study published in 2023 looks at how this trait impacts child development later in life. The study highlights the importance of understanding and addressing intensity reactions in children, as they can have long-term effects. It emphasizes the need for parents and educators to provide appropriate support and guidance to help children manage their emotional reactivity effectively.
So why do highly reactive kids react so, well…reactively? Research finds those big reactions stem from heightened emotional sensitivity, as well as their sensory processing system. For highly sensitive kids, their sensory processing sensitivity means their brains process everyday sensory stimuli like noise, touch, and movement more intensely.
Because they have more difficulty filtering all that sensory information, it quickly becomes overwhelming. That’s where that intense reaction comes in. Think of those big emotions like frustration, anger, sadness as a natural way for their brains and bodies to handle those big sensory inputs.
Let’s look at what we know from an evolutionary psychology lens. Research suggests that the brain evolved in such a way that we tend to put more emphasis on negative information than positive information to help with survival. It is easy to see how focusing on the positive over the negative might make us less attentive to risks, putting ourselves in harm’s way.
Similarly, this could help explain why children’s reactions are often heightened when encountering challenging situations. Children are more vulnerable in a dangerous world than adults. Highly reactive children’s over-the-top reactions, as frustrating as they are to parents, could be an adaptive mechanism designed to elicit an urgent response to their urgent needs.
This information matters because it helps you get to the root of their behavior. Imagine yelling at your child to stop being so dramatic over that spilled milk. It only serves to make things worse because it fails to take into account the complex neurological and temperamental factors that fuel that emotional outburst.
In this article published in Psychology Today, experts provide 10 characteristics of highly sensitive children to help you understand them. The article sheds light on the unique ways in which highly sensitive children experience the world, emphasizing their deep thinking, strong emotional reactions, and heightened sensitivity. It encourages parents and caregivers to approach these children with empathy and understanding.
Think about those parenting strategies that seem to “work” on other kids, but totally backfire with our highly sensitive children. When we try to use logic and reasoning to help them manage those over-the-top meltdowns, we’re inadvertently invalidating those intense emotions, triggering them further. Once we know a big part of their responses come from those inherent sensitivities, we can tailor our strategies to help them thrive.
Research highlights the neurobiological differences in how highly sensitive individuals process stimuli. Knowing those differences allows us to respond to their needs in more empathetic and productive ways. Once you look at your child’s reactive temperament as a normal, though often challenging, variation, you can ditch the judgment.
It’s not that they are being purposely difficult or trying to manipulate you.This is just how their sensitive nervous systems process information and stimuli.
With a better understanding of those traits, we can begin providing support with sensory therapies and adjust our parenting approach to minimize triggers, foster regulation, and allow these special little ones to flourish. Remember the power of staying calm. We need to be their steady anchor in a chaotic world that often feels overwhelming.
Navigating those big reactions can feel overwhelming. But there are effective ways to help our kids and their highly sensitive brains thrive. Patience is our most important tool, as is consistency. Creating routines, keeping environments calmer, and offering safe spaces where they can reset go a long way in supporting regulation alongside their high sensitivity.
Though those positive parenting books might make you want to roll your eyes when trying to wrangle your super-reactive toddler, strategies like acknowledging their emotions, even labeling them for them, will slowly foster emotional intelligence, setting them up for a more resilient life. Also remember that positive parenting strategies like praise, can be just as powerful for children with reactive temperaments.
Even something as seemingly simple as helping our kids learn to brush their teeth for longer, as a way to help them take more time on the self-care activities that often challenge kids with sensitivity, can benefit from using the appropriate praise with children. Previous research indicates that praise centered on effort is more helpful than praise focused on inherent traits, teaching children that effort is what matters. This shift in praise helps support all kids, and can be especially beneficial in parenting a highly sensitive child prone to intense reactions.
If all of this resonates with you, but you still aren’t sure how to best navigate those challenges, it helps to think of yourself as their coach in managing those sensory sensitivities. Here are a few things that work:
| Challenge: | Solution: |
|---|---|
| Your little one loses their mind when you change plans. | Offer warnings in advance and validate those big feelings. |
| Their little body tenses up, overwhelmed by the crowds and loud noises at the grocery store. | Sensory therapies, including deep pressure input, noise-canceling headphones, fidgets, can help, as can keeping outings short or trying online grocery delivery. |
| Screaming, kicking tantrums feel like an everyday occurrence. | Deep breaths (for both of you.), removing yourself from the trigger if possible, and remaining calm yourself are powerful in modeling self-regulation, and, over time, teaching it. |
Parenting a highly sensitive child with a highly reactive temperament can feel overwhelming at times, especially in a society that values composure, stoicism, and resilience, making highly sensitive children seem challenging. Remember, those labels describe innate differences that are often amplified in a noisy, overwhelming, stimulating world that often feels at odds with their highly tuned nervous systems.
Once we acknowledge those sensitivities and tailor our approach accordingly, those over-the-top reactions will begin to diminish over time, making it easier to support them to become their most amazing selves.
There is no single “highly sensitive” temperament trait. Researchers look at a range of temperament characteristics to describe differences. Some of these include sensitivity to sensory stimuli (touch, noises, light), shyness or sociability, distractibility, adaptability, and mood. These traits can manifest differently in different children, and it is important to approach each child as an individual.
In short, no. Highly sensitive kids do not grow out of it, as it is an inherent trait. However, as they get older and grow, they can learn new strategies that may better equip them for certain situations.
Positive parenting strategies, even for our highly sensitive children, are highly effective. This doesn’t mean we give into every demand to keep the peace. Rather, think gentle guidance that incorporates a sense of respect, lots of warnings and time to adjust to transitions, validation of those big feelings, and a calm tone from us even as they’re raging, so they eventually learn to regulate.
Overly sensitive, often reactive, children tend to have highly sensitive nervous systems, leading to sensory processing difficulties. This means those external sensory stimuli feel intense, causing them to quickly feel overwhelmed. For them, it is as if they have heightened sensory input. Understanding the underlying causes of a child’s oversensitivity can help parents and caregivers provide appropriate support and interventions.
Highly reactive temperament in highly sensitive children is not a sign of weakness or that you’re doing something wrong as a parent. It’s all about understanding how their nervous system reacts to a world that often feels too stimulating, and responding in compassionate, supportive, patient ways. Once you grasp that, the path to helping your child find peace and calm amidst the daily chaos becomes a lot clearer.
Understanding Highly Reactive Temperament in Highly Sensitive Children
Jill Gilbert
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