Perfectionism in highly sensitive children is often misunderstood. While a drive for excellence can be a great motivator, the constant need for perfection can be overwhelming for these kiddos (and their parents.). This post is dedicated to understanding perfectionism in highly sensitive children and providing you with ways to help your child navigate a happier, more balanced path.
The term “perfectionism” is thought to have originated in the field of psychology in the early 20th century. However, it wasn’t until the 1980s and 1990s that perfectionism really took center stage, thanks to the groundbreaking research of Dr. Paul Hewitt and Dr. Gordon Flett. They conceptualized perfectionism as a multi-dimensional personality trait that affects thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
But, this isn’t about labeling your child as a perfectionist, this is about understanding them better and providing tools to help them cope and thrive. Providing tools for your highly sensitive child can help them manage their big emotions.
Perfectionism is a complex beast. It’s more than just wanting to do a good job – it’s the intense need to meet incredibly high standards. These impossibly high standards can leave children feeling perpetually inadequate, no matter how much effort they put in. They fear failure, avoid challenges, and often experience anxiety and self-doubt.
Perfectionism in highly sensitive children can impact different areas of their lives, including school, extracurricular activities, and even their relationships with friends and family. If your child is prone to saying, “I can’t,” it may be a warning sign of perfectionism. Encourage them by saying, “You’ll learn, it just takes time and practice.”
This is where the waters get a little murky. Highly sensitive children, with their heightened sensitivity and empathy, can sometimes mask their perfectionism. What looks like procrastination might stem from a fear of not being “perfect”. Or that meltdown over a forgotten homework assignment? Might be rooted in the terror of disappointing their teacher. It’s rarely about the event itself – it’s about the perceived ‘failure’ it represents to them.
Did you know perfectionism doesn’t always look the same? According to research, children may identify with three primary types of perfectionism:
Knowing which type your child most identifies with helps you better support their individual needs and provide guidance in a way that resonates. It’s not uncommon for children to exhibit traits of multiple perfectionism styles, making it even more crucial to tailor our approach. Sensitive children experience a lot of pressure, so make sure they know they are loved for who they are.
Imagine this – Your daughter has been practicing for the school spelling bee. She’s determined to win. The day arrives, and she misspells a word. What seems like a minor setback triggers a flood of tears and feelings of inadequacy. What do you do? Here’s where understanding and responding to the emotion, rather than the event, is key.
Acknowledge her disappointment without dismissing it – “I can see how hard you worked and how much this means to you, it’s okay to be upset.” It’s about creating a safe space for her emotions to breathe, instead of trying to immediately fix them.
Let’s consider another scenario – Your son, a natural artist, has poured hours into a drawing. He brings it to you for approval, but the look in his eyes suggests he’s already spotted a flaw. Instead of resorting to generic praise, help him reframe his perspective. “Wow, look at all the detail you’ve put into this dragon’s scales. Which part are you most proud of?” By shifting the focus from flaws to effort and accomplishment, you’re subtly shifting his mindset.
You’re acknowledging his effort, praising specific details, and encouraging a dialogue that allows him to appreciate the process—not just the end result.
While raising a child who is a perfectionist can be overwhelming, several things can empower them (and us.). Parents of highly sensitive children tend to feel overwhelmed at times, so make sure you are practicing self-care. Making sure you equip yourself with your own set of strategies is the first step to being able to support your child on this journey. This can look different for everyone, but find what regulates your system and go from there.
Remember those times when you desperately tried breaking a bad habit or establishing a new one? This is much harder than it looks, and chances are you didn’t achieve overnight success, and neither will our kids. As with many parenting situations, this involves modeling the behavior we’re hoping to nurture. Embracing imperfection starts with us. This doesn’t mean aiming low – it’s about showcasing healthy striving with self-compassion. Learning to regulate emotions is something that can be very difficult for sensitive children, so remember to be patient and understanding with your child.
Perfectionism in highly sensitive children requires an honest look at our own relationship with perfection. Because, let’s face it – our kids are little sponges. They watch, they listen, and they internalize.
| What we say/do | What they see/hear | How it can shape them |
|---|---|---|
| “Oh no, I burned dinner again. I’m such a terrible cook.” | Failure equates to worthlessness. | To be loved and accepted, they need to be flawless. |
| “Ugh, I gained a pound this week. Time to double down on my workout tomorrow.” (said with a mix of frustration and self-criticism). | Mistakes are something to be ashamed of. | Leads to hiding mistakes, avoiding risks, or even lying. |
| “I didn’t get the promotion this time, but I’m proud of the effort I put in and excited to keep learning.” (said with genuine optimism). | It’s safe to make mistakes and celebrate small wins. | They will try new things. Mistakes become chances to learn, rather than threats. |
The truth is that nobody is perfect, not even us. And that’s perfectly okay. It’s time to ditch the superhero capes. Because, let’s be honest, attempting to be a perfect parent while expecting our children to embrace their imperfections is like asking them to build a castle while simultaneously taking away their blocks. Modeling positive self-talk for children can help them change their negative self-talk into something more positive.
This journey of overcoming perfectionism often begins with understanding that high levels of stress, which is common in highly sensitive children, often lead to physical illnesses like constant fatigue, headaches, and insomnia. This understanding starts with fostering self-compassion in ourselves first.
Research shows that self-compassion, or being kind to yourself when you’re struggling, is associated with reduced stress, increased resilience, and the ability to cope with failure and criticism. So often, we’re quick to extend compassion and grace to our loved ones, yet we struggle to show ourselves that same level of kindness. Noticing the warning signs of stress in yourself is a great first step to helping reduce it.
Modeling self-compassion starts by talking to ourselves as we would to a friend going through the same struggles—with patience, understanding, and gentle encouragement. If you find this difficult, working on yourself while also working on your child may be a good path to take. Highly sensitive children benefit greatly from therapeutic environments, and as parents, we do as well.
When our highly sensitive kiddos face something new and maybe a bit daunting—whether it’s joining the school’s drama club or going to a sleepover for the first time—help them break those challenges down. Every step forward, no matter how small it seems, becomes a victory worth celebrating.
Sensitive children experience sensory input more intensely than others, so overwhelming situations can be scary. This can be even more intense if they have a sensory processing disorder. Starting small and working their way up to bigger challenges is a great way to build their confidence.
It is important to reframe mistakes as opportunities for growth rather than failures. Encourage them to see that a “mistake” is really just data—it’s information we can use to get closer to a goal or learn something new. You might say something like: “Okay, so this approach didn’t work out as planned, what can we learn from this, and what can we try next time?” It’s not about sugarcoating their missteps – it’s about giving those mistakes purpose and empowering our children with resilience and a growth mindset.
Perfectionism in highly sensitive children often causes difficulty embracing this notion, as their intense self-criticism and fear of failure can eclipse those opportunities for learning and growth. By avoiding cheerleading and focusing on their effort, you can help them find joy in the journey.
While it can seem this way, remember – Correlation doesn’t mean causation. Being highly sensitive doesn’t automatically translate to being a perfectionist. It’s important to distinguish high sensitivity (a neutral trait) from perfectionism, as highlighted in this article. However, both highly sensitive children and perfectionists share certain characteristics like increased emotional intensity, attention to detail, and a deeper processing of their environment. It’s important to understand what a highly sensitive child’s experience is.
While some speculate on trauma being a direct cause of perfectionism, attributing perfectionism solely to childhood trauma is an oversimplification. While trauma can contribute, perfectionism, in this context, stems from a multitude of factors, including genetics, personality traits, social pressures, and even early learning experiences. Perfectionist tendencies don’t always stem from a traumatic experience, although this can be a contributor.
Unfortunately, there’s no singular answer. It’s a complex tapestry, woven from various threads. It is a combination of genetics, personality traits, upbringing, social conditioning, and individual life experiences. Parenting styles that emphasize achievement over effort or create environments where mistakes are seen as failures can also be a big contributor to the development of perfectionism. It is also a common trait in highly sensitive children.
Highly sensitive children don’t outgrow their sensitivity; it’s an inherent part of who they are. Similarly, perfectionism often sticks around as they mature. BUT – here’s the silver lining – as a parent, you possess the ability to equip your children with tools to help navigate the world while also becoming their biggest cheerleader. It requires a nuanced understanding of perfectionism’s effect on mental health, allowing us to offer appropriate support. Children learn by watching the adults in their lives, and by modeling the behavior, you want to see, your child will eventually learn to do the same.
Perfectionism in highly sensitive children is challenging but it doesn’t have to define your parenting journey. Empower yourself with knowledge. By understanding perfectionism in highly sensitive children, embracing imperfection, fostering a growth mindset, and creating an environment where mistakes are stepping stones – not roadblocks. Let’s raise kids who strive with compassion, embrace their authentic selves, and redefine success on their own terms – not the world’s. Teaching children that “good enough” truly is good enough, can help your child live a happier life.
Managing Perfectionism in Highly Sensitive Children
Jill Gilbert
Published by
