Emotional intelligence in highly sensitive children isn’t just a trendy buzzword; it’s a crucial skillset that can truly transform your parenting journey. We’re talking about a deeper understanding of emotions — your child’s and your own — and the ability to harness that understanding to create a calmer, more connected family dynamic. So, what exactly is emotional intelligence? How does it impact your sensitive kiddo, and most importantly, how can you nurture it?
Emotional intelligence, also known as emotional quotient (EQ) or EI, is often defined as the ability to understand, use, and manage emotions effectively. This encompasses recognizing and regulating your own emotions, comprehending those of others, building strong relationships, and utilizing this emotional awareness for personal and social success.
The term emerged in the 1990s, popularized by psychologist and author Daniel Goleman through his book “Emotional Intelligence.” He emphasized its pivotal role in influencing personal and professional accomplishments. Goleman’s work brought this concept to the mainstream, shining a spotlight on its relevance in daily life.
It resonated because it’s about life skills. These essential, practical strategies for handling real-life situations were often overlooked by many formal education systems. However, the seeds of emotional intelligence were sown even earlier.
In the late 1960s, psychologists like Howard Gardner challenged traditional notions of intelligence with his theory of “multiple intelligences.” As explained in this article by Psychology Today, this theory highlighted that humans possess different strengths, including “interpersonal” and “intrapersonal” intelligence. These are core components of emotional intelligence, and this concept paved the way for recognizing the importance of navigating human interactions.
Emotional intelligence in highly sensitive children comes with its own nuances. About 20% of the population falls under the category of Highly Sensitive People (HSPs). HSPs are individuals with neurological wiring that amplifies sensory input and emotional experiences.
Imagine a volume knob that’s always set a bit higher for a highly sensitive child. Everything — emotions, sights, sounds, even smells — gets processed more deeply and intensely. It’s a beautiful trait, granting remarkable empathy and insight. Highly sensitive children often develop deep bonds, possess vibrant imaginations, and show profound empathy for others.
Yet, this same high sensitivity can lead to easily feeling overwhelmed. Emotional outbursts or withdrawing from situations that might seem less intense for others is common. This is where the crucial skills of emotional intelligence are beneficial. They can help a highly sensitive child thrive by managing those intense emotions in a world that often doesn’t grasp the intricacies of being sensitive.
Remember Goleman’s framework for emotional intelligence? Well his theory includes four interconnected components — self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management.
This means being in tune with your feelings and their triggers. You might notice a knot in your stomach before a presentation or the burst of joy at the first snow. Research suggests that highly sensitive individuals might find it particularly challenging to pinpoint the roots of their emotions or regulate those feelings when things get overwhelming.
They’re so attuned to external input that it’s easy to become a mirror, reflecting everyone else’s moods instead of tuning into their own. Teaching children to pay attention to their body language is a great first step to helping them identify their emotions. You need to help them develop those self-reflection muscles and be their emotional coach.
It’s about taking ownership of your emotions and responding rather than just reacting. For example, taking a pause to cool down before sending that angry email is a great way to manage emotions. You can also reframe that challenging project as an opportunity to learn instead of a source of frustration.
For highly sensitive kids, self-management often involves tools we tend to associate with calming techniques: deep breathing exercises, quiet time, or sensory regulation strategies. Weighted blankets or a sensory bin are great ways to help children regulate their emotions and dial back a heightened nervous system.
Have you ever walked into a room and instinctively known that there’d been an argument or picked up on a friend’s sadness despite their smiles? That’s social awareness. It is essentially picking up on and decoding those non-verbal emotional cues from those around you. HSPs naturally excel at this skill because of their highly developed capacity for empathy. They often show empathy at a young age.
Research suggests you can help strengthen their ability to regulate their responses and improve emotional reactivity through parenting. Researchers at The Gottman Institute found a child’s level of sensitivity strongly affects how the parent-child bond shapes their development. This is even more true for kids less attuned to emotional input.
Relationship management encompasses all those subtle nuances that build strong and healthy relationships. It includes communication skills, conflict resolution, and even understanding those unspoken boundaries in friendships. A socially aware child, for example, might notice their friend’s upset face and offer comfort before their playdate even begins. That is an early sign of intuitive relationship management at work.
Okay, this all sounds great. But how can parents use this knowledge and what does emotionally intelligent parenting actually look like day to day with a highly sensitive kiddo? Let’s break down some relatable, real-life examples and the strategies that can help you create a more harmonious home:
Imagine your little one erupting in a full-fledged meltdown at the grocery store because the wrong kind of apple juice is on the shelf. Chaos reigns supreme. We’ve all been there — or perhaps just narrowly averted disaster.
When parenting a highly sensitive child, navigating these moments demands a hefty dose of emotional intelligence. Firstly, stay composed — breathe. Instead of coming up with ways to set limits on how they behave, model calmness in those heated moments. This teaches them by doing instead of telling them what to do.
Instead of resorting to the standard ‘just calm down’ directive that rarely works, validate what they are feeling — ‘Wow, that’s so frustrating when they’re out of your favorite juice.’ Then guide their emotional vocabulary. For example, you could say, ‘You’re really feeling angry and disappointed right now, huh?’. This step is critical for your child to identify what’s happening in their brain and body and to calm themselves. Research shows children with well-developed emotional regulation skills do better academically.
Imagine you’re watching a sad movie scene, and suddenly your sensitive kiddo dissolves into tears. It’s not their personal pain, but feeling deeply what those on-screen are experiencing. They easily absorb the emotions of others, and that empathy, though beautiful, can also feel very big to a sensitive person.
To help a highly sensitive child in this situation, acknowledge their emotions. You might say something like, ‘I see those tears. It’s okay to feel sad for the characters.’ Guide them toward a helpful response by asking, ‘Do you want to do something to make you feel better?’. It can be as simple as hugging a stuffed animal or suggesting that you both ‘send good vibes’ to the character in need.
It’s the end of a busy day, and you’re rushing around the grocery store with your little one in tow when out of nowhere you’re dealing with another emotional meltdown. A highly sensitive child thrives with predictability.
Changes can feel unsettling, so give them as much preparation as possible. Give them a quick heads-up of what to expect: ‘Okay, it’s almost dinner time, so we’re going to swing by the grocery store quickly. It might be busy, and there are lots of sounds and bright lights there.’ Having advance notice provides emotional support and validation by demonstrating you are understanding their needs.
This approach lets your sensitive little one know what’s coming, easing the sensory transition, rather than springing it on them unexpectedly. And don’t feel pressured to always grin-and-bear it. Have those calming sensory tools (ear defenders, fidget toy) on hand for when a highly sensitive child might need a sensory reset.
These real-life parenting moments showcase the beauty and the challenges of navigating the world of big feelings alongside your little sensitive soul. So, what are some takeaways for applying this understanding of highly sensitive kids to everyday parenting?
The parent-child relationship sets the stage for their ability to self-regulate emotions. It teaches a highly sensitive child crucial skills that often impact things far beyond those early years. And because they are more affected by their surroundings, emotional intelligence isn’t just for kids.
Modeling the very behavior you’re encouraging goes a long way in helping a highly sensitive child grasp those emotion regulation skills.
Imagine your highly sensitive child struggling with friendships. Hurt feelings or misunderstandings are magnified through their empathic lens. Your own past experiences with these same situations could prove invaluable.
Perhaps sharing a simple anecdote such as, ‘Sometimes when my friend is grumpy, I used to take it personally, until I learned they might just be having a tough day and needed some space,’ can normalize their big feelings. You can teach them effective communication strategies. Emotional intelligence training starts at home with modeling it first.
Teaching emotional intelligence to highly sensitive kids also means embracing their inherent strengths and accepting those sensitive parts of them. This gives a highly sensitive child that core belief of ‘being different is good.’ — building resilience.
Sometimes their big feelings aren’t always tears. This emotional intensity can also be channeled into joy, wonder, and creativity. By encouraging and engaging in their interests, even if they don’t align perfectly with yours, you’re acknowledging their brilliance.
For highly sensitive kiddos, those emotional experiences don’t disappear once childhood is over. Instead, those early coping mechanisms, steady supports you provided, and those opportunities to learn can shape the path into their adult lives.
Highly sensitive children often demonstrate strong emotional awareness, which can contribute to higher emotional intelligence, especially in understanding and empathizing with others’ feelings. However, emotional intelligence also involves managing emotions effectively, a skill that some highly sensitive children may need guidance in developing over time.
Highly sensitive children are not necessarily more intelligent, but they often have heightened emotional awareness and sensory sensitivity, which can lead to a deeper understanding of their environment and experiences. Intelligence varies among all children, and sensitivity is one of many traits that contribute to their unique strengths and learning styles.
In short, no. Highly sensitive kids do not grow out of it. This is a trait that they will have their whole lives, and while their high sensitivity may look different throughout their lifetime, they will not grow out of it.
Not all gifted children are highly sensitive, but there can be overlap between the two traits. Some gifted children may also exhibit heightened sensitivity to emotions, sensory input, or their environment, though this varies from child to child. Both giftedness and high sensitivity are unique characteristics that can complement each other, but they don’t always occur together.
Emotional intelligence in highly sensitive children isn’t just about controlling tantrums. Emotional intelligence is about nurturing resilience from within — enabling those deeply feeling souls to harness their strengths. Remember, you’re equipping them for life, providing the toolkit for navigating all the emotional complexities yet to come. So, take a deep breath — those emotional tools make your highly sensitive child more incredible than you can imagine.
Emotional Intelligence in Highly Sensitive Children: A Mom’s Guide
Jill Gilbert
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